mUSCLe

Applesauce - Harbinger of Fear

The USCL recently announced changes in the league – two new teams and a team name change.  St. Louis will have the Archbishops, a majestic name referencing the city’s stunning arch.  New England will host the Nor’easters, bringing to mind the terrible storms that terrorize even the heartiest residents of the frozen northeast.  And Queens has changed its name to the Manhattan Applesauce.

Applesauce?

“We wanted to strike fear into the souls of our opponents, so when they play us, the image of a delicious and nutritious bowl of applesauce is not far from the forefront of their minds,” said team manager Dmitry Schneider.  “We discussed other possible team names, but in the end the team voted for the Applesauce over the other two candidates, the Fuzzy Blankets and the Binkies.”

The San Francisco Mechanics’ Jesse Kraai was one of the first to react to Manhattan’s choice of name.  “It’s brilliant.  Everyone here in the GM House finds the stuff abhorrent, and we don’t allow applesauce in the cupboards.”  When asked why, Kraai continued.  “Well, for me, it is all about the spoon.  When I was seven years old, after a long illness, I had to take several months of medication, three times a day.  They were huge pills, and there was no way I could swallow them.  So, my mother would hide the pills in a large spoonful of applesauce, and I would have to take them.  Never again.”

When polled about the new name, other USCL players were less forthcoming.  “I don’t want to talk about that [expletive-deleted]-ing [expletive-deleted]!” screamed John Federowicz before slamming down the phone.

One former Soviet player spoke on the condition that we not use his name.  “Let me put it like this,” he said. “In American prison, you eat applesauce.  In Soviet Russia prison, applesauce eats you.”

Indeed, there is actually a neurological explanation for this paralyzing phenomenon.  “Fear of applesauce, malushygroviscosiphobia, is well-documented among chess players,” said Dr. Sandra Saretti, director of the Saretti Phobia Institute for Children and Youth (SPICY). “It is not uncommon among those people with skills that are manifested in the parietal lobe, such as mental rotation.  In addition, malushygroviscosiphobia is also seen in ludophiles, game-lovers.  The interaction of those two attributes is a recipe for disaster for chessplayers.”

Reached via telephone, GM Pascal Charbonneau reacted to the name change with trepidation in his voice.  “When I was growing up in Quebec, my mother would make me say my prayers, and then, without fail tell me, ‘Compote de pommes, c’est le sang de Satan‘ which means ‘Apple sauce is the blood of Satan.’  It was just… I…”  Charbonneau sighed, and choked back a sob, and continued.  “Irina and I are thinking of folding the Knights this year.  Playing against the Manhattan Ap… Ap… playing against the Manhattan team will just be too traumatic.”

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